WARNING I DO BRING UP HEAVY THEMES OF ABUSE AND SELF HARM

Ive been wanting to share my experiences as someone who is 23 Female and emancipated themselves from my mothers care at 17 and has remained in a NC relationship for 6 years.

My hope is that by posting this I can help not only my own healing journey but possibly someone else by reading this.

I know that like most estranged adult children, we all have personal reasons for deciding to leave or go No contact with one or both of your parents. Im not interested in going into every detail of my childhood and upbringing (because honestly that would have to be its own whole novel) im only going to touch on some main points.

If you are still reading this then Id first like to say thank you for taking some interest in hearing my story and any questions or opinions you have are welcome. Id love to know what other people think about my current situation as i feel it would help me continue to navigate what has proven to be a very consequential life decision I made years ago.

First I should state that I only am estranged from my mother, my father and i still talk regularly and see each other as often as we can. My parents divorced when i was 10 years old, meaning my dad eventually would move away from my mother, little brother and I. Growing up my parents fought a lot, my mother had no issues fighting in front of family, friends, my school and even outside my fathers place of work. She always had a very mean side to her, she would scream and throw things call my father awful names and enjoyed emasculating him. It came as no surprise to me when they split up, I actually felt happy for my dad that he wouldn't have to put up with her anger anymore. I quickly learned however that with my father out of the picture, her punching bag needed a replacement.

That quickly became my new role in the house. Any time she had a bad day it was my fault. She blamed me for her weight gain, health issues (high blood pressure) financial problems. basically anything and everything that could annoy you or ruin your mood was somehow my fault even though i was still a child. When i was really little should would punish me by grabbing me by the leg or arm and dragging me to my room where depending on how sour of a mood she was in meant I would be locked in there for hours. Sometimes I would be in there so long i would *miss* supper and no food was ever brought to me. I got very comfortable with that hungry feeling and being alone with just my toys to play with. When i got a little bigger she realized that form of punishment didn't have its desired effect on me anymore, I was ok with missing meals or being forced to be alone. So she had to get creative and find new ways to punish me for being such a rotten little girl.

When i was around 12 years old I had started making a lot of new friends at school and whenever they would ask to come over to my house I would get nervous that my mother wouldn't be happy with me if i did that. Eventually i did try to bring friends over but the weirdest thing happened, my mother would act like a completely different person, as if she was wearing a mask to conceal her true nature (which is something she still does to this day).This was so strange to me that I stopped having friends over all together because she would treat them with so much more kindness and generosity then I even knew she could display. It was around this time that I felt as if I had woken up from a dream, at 12 years old I realized that my mom is not like other moms. She's not like the moms I would see on TV, or like the moms I would see picking up their kids from school and nothing like my friends moms. I would start asking all my friends questions like when you do this, how does your mom react and none of them would bring up their mothers cruel words or punishments at all. Yes they would get grounded or have their phones taken away, but they wouldnt get belittled like I would. They wouldn't get called names or get spanked or threatened. That's when I learned my mom IS different. She's Mean. Like really mean.

Most people tell stories of getting bullied by other kids as a child, and while yes I did have some bullies at my schools. None of them compared to the bullying I endured from my mother. Her favorite word to call me as I started going through puberty as a teenager was Pig, She would call me a fat pig, dirty pig, smelly pig. Said my room was a pigsty because only a pig like me would want to live there. Whenever I would try to tell any of my friends growing up they would never believe me. Said i must be lying because my mom acts so nice and sweet to them. I never wanted to tell an adult about my problems for two reasons, one was beacuse I was akways geauninly terridfied to talk to adults. Maybe it was because the main adult in my life terrified me but I would never feel comfortable enough. Secondly even if I grew close to an adult and felt that I could tell them things I had this awful fear that they would call CPS (child protective services) and my mother would always tell me that children who get taken by CPS never see their families again and that I would be split up from my Little brother who was around 9 or 10 years old at the time i considered spilling to someone. That was enough to deter me from ever telling anyone the truth about my life at home, even other family like aunts uncles cousins. But i could only keep so much of that hurt and pain inside me before It started coming out in destructive ways. (WARNING NEXT PARAGRAPH BRINGS UP SELF HARM)

When i was 13 years old i started self harming. It started with an elastic band i would wear and anytime I felt like crying or displaying any emotion I would pull back and slap it on my arm. This never caused enough damage for anyone to notice. Unfortunately as a teenager I found my way on to a social media app called tumblr, where girls my age would vent about their own shitty lives and basically brag online how much they self harm by showing pictures or describing in detail how cutting themselves would help relive so much hurt inside. I started cutting myself in bathroom stalls or in my room late at night and while it did cause physical pain I could feel this relief from the inside like I was finally able to let out all that I had to keep concealed from the world. At the worst points in my teenage years i did have suicidal thoughts and felt encouraged by all the shitty things my mom would tell me were my fault and how worthless and unlovable I was in her eyes. At no point was I sent to the hospital because of this and even after my mom and friends and other family found out I never went to see a doctor or therapist about my self harm habits. Instead my mom thought I should be punished for cutting myself because in her words *what if someone were to see that and say something terrible about me*. That made my heart sink knowing that no matter how much i was hurting or contemplating suicide, she would only ever be concerned with herself. She can only think about herself and what benefits her. My punishment was not being able to see my current boyfriend at the time for 3 months. She knew this would hurt me more than anything which it did because he was the only reason i could feel happy most days. This form of punishment would become her favorite because as I grew more attached to him it would always hurt me more and more each time we weren't allowed to see each other.

As the years went by she would continue to be cruel to me every single day making me do whatever she wished of me out of fear. I did not do things for my mother because I adored and respected her, i did them out of fear of her tyranny. It all came to a head however when I was 17, I had gotten my first job ever working at a fast food place nearby and I loved it. Making my own money gave me hope for a future away from my mother. I immediately saved my money for moving expenses (and a little trip to celebrate my 18th birthday) but as I entered my last semester of high school my mother snapped. As if the idea of me becoming an adult and moving away from under her fist enraged her. The day i decided to leave I called everyone I could think of for reassurance, my dad, my boyfriend, my aunts who I had grown close to. Everyone of them after hearing what went on the night before encouraged me to call the police and leave.

Now what she did to make me leave might sound anti climatic I mean I endured so much for all those years and put up with the abuse, but that was all under the impression that when i turned 18 I would be my own adult and could make decisions without her and leave if i so pleased. My mother did not see it that way, she told me that night after picking me up from a late shift at my job that I she thought my managers were crossing a line with my schedule meaning I was at work too much instead of at home doing random chores for her. That because she had made me get a joint bank account with her that means she gets to control all of my money for my whole adult life. She chooses what goes to her from my paycheck the hours i get to work and even where i work is all her decision to make even after I'm 18. She told me I am never moving out of her house and that I will start paying rent and all the other expenses I owe her for raising me. That i will go to university only if she chooses it and that I will never see my high school friends or boyfriend again. She dropped all of this on me in one night and all i could do was sob and cry as she screamed at me. I started to record her on my phone all the crazy things she was saying to me so I could send it to my dad and boyfriend for reassurance that she is just as threatening as I felt she was being. I tried to picture what my life would be like If i continued to do whatever she said and it was so sad and bleak I genuinely felt that If i stayed in that house for much longer I would have taken my own life just so I wouldn't have to exist in her twisted idea of what my adult life was going to be. So that morning while she was at work I grabbed a handful of my things and I left. My brother who was only 13 at the time wanted to come with me, but it broke my heart to tell him that where we lived you had to be at least 16 to leave your parents care on your own accord. He told me that it didn't bother him to see me leave him all alone with her in that house but even now i still feel tremendous guilt for abandoning my brother like that and i don't know if i will ever not feel this way. I left her no notes Or long text messages I was just gone. The police had to be called and had to interview me where i was now staying with my aunt until i could move out for university. I don't think I've ever cried as hard as i did that day. Like i was mourning my childhood spent there and how my relationship with my brother would never be the same. I had become like my father and left them both but it was for my own mental health and sanity that i did so.

The police did a wellness check on my little brother and according to him and my mother there was no reason to get CPS involved. She sent me a few texts asking where i was why i had chosen to leave so suddenly but before i told her why I needed to leave she said something that has stuck with me ever since. *I don't know why you would do this to me. to your family. to your brother. Youve ruined this family. Your brother doesn't get to have a sister anymore. and i don't have a daughter* That's when i sent the last text I would ever send to my mother before blocking her and changing my number

I'm sorry mom, I need you to know that I am safe and that I love you and (Brothers name) very much but i needed to do this for my own mental health and wellbeing I hope you can understand

I would receive texts from her down the line trying to accuse me of lying about what she's done in the past and how any videos i have are all faked and she knows i have that ability to fake videos of her yelling at me. It quickly became clear to me that she was never going to take accountability for hurting me and making me feel unsafe. So i decided No contact whatsoever would be best, and i still stand by that. I hear things from my brother who is now a grown adult on his own and i couldn't be prouder of how he handled all this. He still visits her from time to time and keeps in contact but mostly to see the family dog or relay info to me if she seems open to change. I can say that even with 6 years of no contact with me she feels the same way she did that night. She feels like she's done nothing wrong and that my now fiancée (yes its the same boy i was dating when I was 13 and i love him so much) is the master manipulator and filled my mind with lies to get me to leave and paint her as a terrible mother. The only person responsible for her actions is her and I feel that she may never see that.

Before I end off this LONG vent post i want to say that currently my mother is going around the town i grew up in and is taking pictures of strangers that she believes to be me in public and stalking them to find out if I am in hiding from her. This made no sense to me when my brother told me what's been going on because when I was 21 I moved far far away basically on the other side of the country to get away from her reach. She also posts online about the struggles of being an estranged mother and how unfair it is that she gets treated with no respect from her kids. Respect is earned not demanded by fear

maybe she's officially lost her mind I'm not sure

Thank you again for taking the time to read this and if you feel inclined please drop any comments you'd like.