(TL/DR: My very estranged mom stole $4K from me via our shared bank after my dad died. Everything is fine after the fact, I am just pissed.)

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I've (46F) been no-contact with my mom, dad, and younger brother for more than 10 years. My brother struggles on and off with addiction issues, and my mom is his very codependent enabler. Mom (F77) also exhibits many characteristics found in cluster B personality disorders, is not medicated for any mental health issues, will not go to therapy.

My dad (M80) appeared to be the kindest and healthiest parent but was also pretty checked out, enabled her behaviors, and turned a blind eye to her various bullying abuses of everyone until his death this past November.

Brother (M40) is locked into the dysfunctional family dynamic and is completely in the thrall of my mom's control, whether he is sober or not. So it's impossible to have my own separate relationship with him.

For context and background, Mom's abuses included but were not limited to:

• General manipulation, control, and gaslighting
• Pushing for enmeshment
• Rage at any resistance or disagreement from me, just terrifying explosive anger, cruel verbal abuse, and some incidents of physical aggression
• Forced teaming to get me to help her enable my brother and protect him from appropriate consequences
• Constant criticism of my life choices, clothes, body, finances, friends, pick your poison
• Insistence of handling any adult tasks herself to be overly involved in my life, thereby keeping me from learning how to do things myself like taxes, buying a car, applying for school or work opportunities, etc. to keep me helpless and dependent upon her
• Obvious double standard in her treatment of me vs. favoritism toward my brother
• Competing with me, her child, in bizarre ways and blatantly stealing my thunder during my life events, making my milestones all about her--or her favored kid
• Minimizing any of my achievements, minimizing any problems I have too
• Refusal to accept a "no" of any kind--constant pressure, guilting, threats, manipulation, begging, cajoling, and if all that failed, bulldozing and doing whatever she wants anyway
• Loan-sharking, like, gifts or assistance that are meticulously tracked/score-kept, and riddled with hidden strings
• Boundary violations (stalking me online, constant phone calls, sneaking into my diary as a kid, telling me WAY too much about her own intimate relations and those of other family members, using any info I shared with her in confidence to harm me later)
• The worst and most unforgivable: Failure to protect me from a predatory neighbor when I was under 5 years old, not reporting this neighbor to any authorities once I told my parents what was happening, remaining friendly with this neighbor after my CSA, not getting me any counseling or treatment after CSA

Like so many of us here, I did my best to communicate my needs and boundaries for years and years, then finally just dropped the rope in my early 30s. Best decision ever. I now have a wonderful, peaceful, happy life with my amazing, supportive husband and two adorable dogs. I have a beautiful cozy home, lots of friends, and a great job I enjoy. All my needs are met. The love, safety, and stability I craved as a child is my everyday reality. I am so grateful.

So what brings me to post today? Well, pre-estrangement, when I opened an account at a federal credit union like 20 years ago, my dad had to cosign for me because he was the qualifying federal employee. He was also a very ethical person and I never gave this a moment's thought at the time, and nothing ever happened to make me worry my finances were at risk. Our accounts were "loosely connected" as far as I was aware. I never looked at or touched his account, and he never touched mine. It's a great bank that has seen me through many car loans, buying a house, and all the other ups and downs of adult finances.

Surrounding the circumstances of my father's death last fall, I remained estranged. I didn't reach out or say goodbye. I will always mourn the family I wish I had, grieve for and love my childhood self, and just continue to be sad but at peace with my decisions.

More than five months later, a few weeks ago I got a notice of an unpaid bill from my bank, for an account that I keep at a zero balance. It's like, an overdraft line of credit that I keep for house or healthcare or car emergencies. Occasionally I use it for a big vacation or Christmas expenses. Whenever I do use it, I aggressively pay it off as quickly as possible. So I was puzzled, thinking it must be a mistake.

Nope. I logged in and saw that the line of credit was maxed out. $4000. Gone. I clicked through to look at the transactions, and saw one transfer, all $4000, from one account to another that seemed to also be with this same credit union.

After more than a decade of no contact, I didn't even think it could be a family thing. I thought it must be some stranger stealing from me somehow, or maybe a clerical error. I called my bank's fraud department and over the course of the next few days, they finally established that someone used my deceased father's login to transfer my entire line of credit to his checking account, which was empty, and whoever did this just started paying their bills with my credit immediately. Not like, jet skis or anything, just like, mundane utility and internet bills.

The bank was mortified, and made it right as soon as they could. I got that line of credit back, and our accounts were unlinked. I had to apply to my parents' county to get my dad's death certificate to the bank to make absolutely sure all his accounts are severed from mine. In the process, I needed to renew my expired drivers' license to prove who I was to the bank AND the county, during which I failed the eye exam at the DMV and had to promise to get glasses ASAP--they were very kind about it but I was nearly in tears trying to read the letters and failing.

So between the bank, the DMV, various municipalities, and the eye doctor, I have been stressed and busy getting all of this wrapped up. Just a task-packed roller coaster of a few days. I am mentally and emotionally drained. I booked an emergency appointment with my therapist for this coming week.

And I know it was my mother, just in time for mother's day, reminding me of the absolute malignant chaos I left behind. One small click on her end had me hopping and sweating and jumping through bureaucratic hoops for a solid week to untangle the mess. My poor nervous system. I am glad I have understanding employers because it was a lot.

Was it a mistake? Was she trying to force contact via theft? I don't know if she passed it off as an innocent error or if she faced any consequences. I don't care, I just want to be free.

Anyway this was all a very touching reminder that I've made the right choices, and an absolution of at least some of the residual guilt I feel regarding the estrangement.

And now at least I have a current ID and up-to-date eyewear.

Narcissists will literally steal $4000 instead of going to therapy.

Thinking of you all this weekend. Be gentle with yourselves.